Lost and Finding Joy

A narcissist is defined as “a self-centered personality style. It is characterized by an excessive preoccupation with oneself and one’s own needs, often at the expense of others.” No single definition is sufficient to truly understand this personality. When personality identities are unclear, a clash between a narcissist and an empath can occur. This clash can have devastating effects on the empath.

An empath is one who experiences the emotions of others; a person who demonstrates empathy. Many of us can identify with one personality over the other; however, we all possess some self-preservation tendencies. This is how an empath can not only survive dealing with a narcissist but can also become even stronger.

For you empaths, I hope this message finds you well. If you feel emotionally beaten down by a narcissist, remember that there is always a seed of good that can emerge from having dealt with them.

A Few Things I’ve learned:

1. Narcissists are like wolves in sheep’s clothing. They don’t have empathy, or care about others, but the smart ones have learned how to pretend they do. They learn from watching people who do care, and they mimic their behavior. It’s all about what they want or need for themselves. They will love bomb you when they want something from you. Sometimes all they want is a friend they can control and manipulate. I’ve had a couple of friends like this over the years. When someone seems overly interested in who you are, or where you come from, simply take in information about them. Don’t share everything about yourself with them. They will use your strengths and weaknesses against you when they feel like they’ve lost control over you. When you finally realize they’ve been manipulating and controlling you, you’ll try to fix it or leave. You can’t fix it. When they feel like they are losing control, they will discard you so you can’t discard them first. They will often try to pull you back in, if they feel like you still have something to offer them. They will want to continue to control and get more “narcissistic supply” from you.
2. Everything is a game to a narcissist. Because they don’t have the emotions an empath has, narcissists enjoy evoking emotions out of empaths. You could be having a really good day, and out-of-the-blue they’ll find fault with something insignificant you’ve said or done. They’ll try to start an argument. They’ll even bring up something you did or didn’t do from 20 years ago. As long as it makes you feel bad (angry, guilty, or sad), they will continue with the same script. If it no longer works on you, they will find a new one. If they know something triggered you before, they may try an old script, just to see if it works again. If it’s an issue you’ve persistently tried to resolve, remember it’s just a manipulative game for them. They want to evoke emotions from you and pull your puppet strings. Don’t try to fix it. Don’t defend yourself. Don’t even try to apologize. They won’t let it be resolved. They are wannabe puppet masters and they feel empowered when they can control you and/or your emotions. If they can’t control you any longer, ultimately their endgame is discarding you.
3. If they’ve done something wrong, they will project it onto you. They will say you did the thing they are guilty of. To them, it’s never their fault. It’s always your fault. They never apologize. They will rewrite history and believe their own lies. In their minds, with their ego, they can do no wrong. If they aren’t doing what they should be doing, it’s your fault — or it’s somebody else’s fault — just not theirs. They will deny any wrong-doing, unless they have learned to use an apology as a manipulative tool. They feel they are superior to everyone around them. They think if an empath is dumb enough to be manipulated by them, then the empath deserves it.
4. There is no winning with a narcissist because they have no limits. They simply don’t care. They only care about their agenda, winning, and themselves. The only way to deal with them is to limit your interactions with them, or completely detach from them. Even if you don’t care about winning with them, they will still engage in these petty games. These interactions can be life-sucking. They don’t want you to feel happy — unless it’s a temporary ruse. They may try to evoke a happy emotional response from you. They do this when they want something or want to appear as “good guys”.
5. When a narcissist can no longer control you, they will discard you and go on a smear campaign. Leaving isn’t enough for them. They will try to turn anyone and everyone against you. They need people to “side” with them. They are deeply afraid that you will expose them for who they really are. They will exaggerate, lie, and rewrite history to destroy your character or integrity. When a narcissist has mastered their craft, some of the closest people you’ve relied on may even believe them. This can be one of the most painful things a narcissist does; but there is a seed of good. . .When this happens enough times, you will detach and begin to heal. Through the healing process you will gain inner strength. Your identity and dependence on others will change significantly. You will become stronger and more comfortable with who you are without needing confirmation from other people. You will connect more with the spiritual side of yourself. I believe this is what it means at the end of the Prayer of St Francis of Assisi, “. . . And it is in dying that we are awakened to Eternal Life.” (I interpret that line as the ego dying, although the author may have just been referring to physical death. That’s just my personal interpretation.)

These are just a few things I’ve learned. I wanted to share them with you. Many times in our own families, we must deal with this personality. You may even be estranged from a loved one. Perhaps a good thing to remember is that it’s always 10% what happens, and 90% how we perceive it. If we want peace and happiness, we can’t allow others to evoke negative emotions out of us. We also can’t join in ruses and shenanigans. 

Many times, narcissists and also empaths have experienced events that impact their behavior. They might have been hurt in some way that makes them behave the way they do. I have learned not to be judgmental. It is possible to love others where they are, while setting boundaries with them. 

Even though this behavior can cause angst in our lives, there are many lessons we can learn. Some of those lessons are: 1.) Who you are is not dependent upon how others view you; 2.) Look up (pray and connect with God) for answers; 3.) Live life with a more eternal perspective; and 4.) Be kind to yourself as you are to others.

~Many blessings to you and yours.

Prayer of Saint Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me bring love.
Where there is offence, let me bring pardon.
Where there is discord, let me bring union.
Where there is error, let me bring truth.
Where there is doubt, let me bring faith.
Where there is despair, let me bring hope.
Where there is darkness, let me bring your light.
Where there is sadness, let me bring joy.
O Lord, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love,
for it is in giving that one receives,
it is in self-forgetting that one finds,
it is in forgiving that one is forgiven,
it is in dying that one is awakened to eternal life.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prayer_of_Saint_Francis