Lost and Finding Joy

I saw a Facebook post the other day, where somebody expressed their anger or frustration towards labels. Have you ever judged something or someone, only to find yourself doing the thing you were judging? I know I’m not the only one. It’s ironic that we do such things. I’ve often wondered if it was a higher force showing or teaching us to stop judging. There are several scriptures warning us about judging others. But, is labeling. . . judging?

There’s a fine line between judging and using labels to describe (or put into words) what we’re experiencing. I’ve always wanted to help people. I remember not wanting to become a psychologist, because I, also, very much disliked labels. I knew if I diagnosed somebody with the wrong disorder (label), it would hinder them more than help them. I knew in my heart that people could change. I still don’t want to label anyone with the idea of holding them in that opinion. However, I do find myself labeling different personalities. I often use the labels empath and narcissist. You know this if you’ve read my other blogs.

I fully understand that there are different personalities. Some personalities clash. It’s not up to us to judge or try to change anyone. Aside from certain medical diagnoses, like Down’s Syndrome, people can change themselves. They just have to want to change. It’s harder for people with narcissistic personality disorder. They don’t usually see themselves or their actions for what they really are. They create false identities. They also deflect any wrong-doing, and they generally do not care. This prevents them from even wanting to change; but they certainly can.

We do need to be aware of different personalities to realize we aren’t all the same. When personalities conflict, we want to understand what’s happening. When we understand what is happening, we are less prone to becoming victims of manipulation.

At the same time we shouldn’t judge. We don’t know what’s happened in someone’s life to get them where they are. We also don’t judge because we want to allow people to grow. That doesn’t mean we allow any abuse. Sometimes we must love others from a distance, pray both parties receive the lessons they were there to receive, and wish them well.

How do people change?

(1) By embracing new perspectives and experiences that challenge our existing beliefs. We improve through consistent effort, self-reflection, and a willingness to learn from both successes and failures.

It’s great to learn from our successes. It can be difficult, even a little painful to look at and learn from our failures. It requires inner reflection and resilience. I’ll give you a personal example:

Recently, my perspective changed from believing I was an introvert, to realizing I had become oblivious to others’ needs. I wrote about it in an earlier blog called, “From Isolation to Connection: Breaking Free From Narcissists” (https://lostandfindingjoy.blog/2025/04/21/from-isolation-to-connection-breaking-free-from-narcissists/ ).

The way my perspective changed was through three separate events that happened in one weekend. The first was having a deep conversation with my husband. We discussed how after we die, nobody will really think about us. Eventually, we won’t be remembered at all. He said we need to do as much as possible for and with others while we are living. It struck me pretty hard when he said that. I realized I had been pulling away from others. I stopped interacting much with anyone other than my family. I wasn’t fulfilling the measure of my creation, (as my mother calls it).

The second thing that happened was me trying to call someone and they didn’t answer the phone. When someone doesn’t answer, I usually don’t think a thing about it. I realize people get busy, or just don’t want to talk in that moment. I can relate. I do the same thing. For some reason, when this particular call wasn’t answered, I felt hurt. I felt like they didn’t pick up because I must annoy them, or they don’t like our conversations. I thought maybe they don’t like me. As a life coach, I usually notice right away when I’m feeling like a victim. So, I got curious about those thoughts and feelings. I allowed myself to feel that way, while I was noticing the thoughts I was thinking. By doing this, I realized that I’ve done the same thing to others. I’ve turned my phone off, or didn’t answer calls often. It had nothing to do with the other person. It was just me wanting quiet time or time to breathe. I had a shift in my perspective. What if they felt hurt when I didn’t answer? I began answering my phone more. Turns out, I’m loving speaking to friends/family on the phone more often. I’m also enjoying spending more time with them.

The third thing happened while I was celebrating Good Friday at a friend’s home. During conversations, I casually stated that I was an introvert. Jim, being the good friend he is, said, “You’re not an introvert. You’re a life coach.” Initially, I defended my label as an introvert. That’s when it all clicked. I had built this personality– this identity — this label, that didn’t serve me. It was holding me back. That’s when I wrote the blog, “From Isolation to Connection…” Thank you, Jim.

I am grateful for those three events that weekend. They woke me from a self-isolation pattern that I hadn’t even realized had begun to consume me. In hindsight I wasn’t protecting myself. I was hurting myself by not focusing on others. We are much happier when we love, serve, and interact with others. That’s why we are here in the first place. Mark 10:45 KJV:  For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.

For the sake of this blog, I want to briefly mention other ways we can change:

(2) setting goals that align with our values,

(3) cultivating resilience,

and (4) surrounding ourselves with supportive influences that inspire growth and transformation.

We can talk about some of these ideas in future blogs.

In summary, there is a difference in using labels to understand what is happening, and labeling people to judge them. One of my favorite stories is, “You Are Special,” by Max Lucado. Just like the story, I don’t believe we should go around labeling people good or bad (with stars or circles). Labels can be used to try to understand different personalities, including our own. It’s important to know that labels should only be used to define the actions or behavior of the person. They should not be used to define the person. We are all learning and growing and yes, even changing.

~Many blessings to you and yours.